give me {malice} give me ENVY *

[aleksei jonathon jakobs]

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Aleks was in the library. ‘What?!’ I hear you say, ‘That terrorizing boy in the library? He doesn’t seem the type.’ Well, shows how much you know about Aleks, doesn’t it? No, he’s not constantly up in other people’s faces, although it may sometimes seem that way, since he doesn’t really let others see him when he’s down, but yes, he does get down. He’s only human, for one thing, and for another, he does actually get chronic depression, if a bit of a skewed version compared to the way most people experience it (see his suicide attempt combined with the attempted murder of his father). Any which way you looked at it, Aleks wasn't really looking for the company of humans at the moment. They pissed him off, they rubbed him the wrong was, and they were just so fucking irritating. 'Oh yes, I want to get better cause then my mommy will be happy with me'. Shut the fuck up, your 'mommy' would never love a little whiny bitch like you. Why the fuck do you even care what your sweet whorey mother thinks of you, parents are fucking wankers. At least, in Aleks' view. But back to the point. Where better to escape to than a room filled with books in a house of (mainly) kids who hated school and learning. And okay, not all of them did, but the ones who cared were currently in lessons. The kids who weren't had all bunked off somewhere more 'exciting'. So that's where Aleks was, in this huge room, tucked away in the corner, nose in his well-worn copy of 'Invisible Monsters' by Chuck Palahniuk. The book was a mind fuck the first time you read it, completely grim and twisted, and then the second and third times you could simply delight in knowing more than the characters. This was Aleks' seventh time reading it. It simply distracted him enough from the reality of everything else in the world around him. Cause sometimes reality gets far too heavy for a simple boy to carry on his shoulders.

These type of books, surprisingly, were his comfort books. You would think reading something happy, something which could comfort him. But no, instead he read stories of twisted, messed up plots, of people making the biggest mistake of their lives on purpose, and then watching it play out. These were the books he immersed himself into when he was down, books which intrigued him, distracted him, which would make others squirm but simply became the best stories for him. These were stories which were so outlandish they were almost true, tales of girl's shooting off their faces in the pursuit of something that we're never quite sure of. Most of these types of novels were by the same author as the book he was currently reading - Chuck Palahniuk. He has a style which no other writer could touch on, so raw and crude. It bewitched Aleks and drew him deep instead, and was the perfect escape when reality got too much. And yeah, he had other escapes, but the kids here were shit to play with, and most of them went running to the staff if he tried anything too bad. There was no good escape here, with too many rules, and too many kids who ran away. Plus, you know, at the moment he did just feel like drawing into himself, disappearing into his mind. It was the type of feeling in which you just wanted to alone, in complete and utter fucking isolation. Where you'd fucking tear the head off anyone who tried to interrupt you.

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^{TAG – josh <3
WORDS – just over six hundred.
NOTES – tear the head off anyone apart from josh, i should add.
TUNES – time to dance, panic! at the disco.
CREDIT - template by MUNZTAR * of caution 2.0}

[joshua casey preston]

i might join your century,
BUT ONLY ON A RARE OCCASION.

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Joshua leaned against the window sill at the end of one of the hallways, chuckling a bit when his eyes drifted down to the deadbolt locking it shut. He was lucky that he didn't get any broken bones from his fall, which caused a stir among the doctors at the hospital that simply saw him as such a fragile little boy. He couldn't necessarily blame them, as his weight had dipped and his skin had paled from being in his room for what seemed like years of his life. He didn't really care about looking pretty; he always felt so ugly on the inside anyway. His cobalt blue eyes flickered towards the nurse standing by him, watching his every move. Fuck's sake, do you mind? he wanted to scream at them. That was the worst part about coming to Hawthorne: he had to start all over again, back down to one-to-one. There was really nothing he could do to earn their trust. He could smile, but that took too much effort, and they didn't want to hear him talk about death.

So the least he could do was go off and read about it. Pushing off of the wall with a disgruntled look, Josh knew that he had a decision to make. He could put up with constant checks in his room, where they wouldn't let him get any sleep whatsoever. Or he could go and try to look like he was... enjoying himself? Being productive? Whatever, so long as boredom wasn't hanging over his head. Without a word, he continued his mute boy charade, an old habit back from Bluebird that worked quite well for a while, as he moved towards the Library. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed the little glint of progress shimmering in the nurse's eyes. She thought she was well on her way to fixing him... and excuse me, but Josh didn't know he was broken? Well, most people argued that his heart was. He just argued that they needed to go get laid or something.

There was still a general soreness in his body from his suicide attempt a couple of weeks ago, but at least he hadn't developed a limp. His dark hair fell into his eyes as he moved into the stacks, glad that at least the nurse wasn't on his heels. Letting his pale hand brush across the spines of several books, Josh found himself thinking back, like he usually did every now and then. Even during the period that he had been a 'recovered borderline,' he still didn't have a good grip on time and sometimes he got lost in his thoughts. His eyes seemed to settle on certain letters on the cover of some law book, certain ones seemed to jump out at him. A-l-e-k-s-e-i. Blinking a few times, he subconsciously rubbed his wrists, noticing the absence of his black cuffs. He felt his eyes glaze over and become dull, lacking their normal luster until one of the books fell with a loud thud from the other side of the bookshelf.

"Sorry!" a shy young girl muttered quickly, before disappearing from his view altogether. Staring straight again, Joshua looked through the new opening and saw a lone, dark figure nose-deep in a book. Squinting his eyes a bit as the hairs stood on the back of his neck, the London native moved closer and peered out at the boy. He could only see the side of his face, his blue eyes trailing over the purple marks along the column of his throat, but not settling there. It was in the body language, maybe. Or maybe Josh was just... hallucinating again? He was so lonely in this place that maybe he was reverting to old memories in order to make himself feel less alone. Deciding that he wouldn't really give a toss if it turns out that he was just talking to himself, he moved out from the stacks in slow, deliberate steps. The last time he thought he saw someone like this, he nearly got himself killed. But there was no alcohol in his system. It was all in his head, or just in his heart. That thumping little muscle that was often more trouble than it was worth.

Halfway there, Josh wondered if he should have prepared a speech or something. What did you say to someone you saw in what seemed like a whole other lifetime? He was just a shadow of the boy that he had been back then... or maybe he was exactly the same. Again, keeping up with his mute facade, Josh simply took a seat near him. He tucked his feet up underneath him, just watching. It was fucking fascinating just to see Aleksei read... the way his eyes skittered across the page, or his tongue darted out to lick his lips sometimes, or how he turned the page. He wasn't the type of boy to be underestimated. No, Aleksei Jonathon Jakobs was dangerous. But he was... Leks... and he was sitting right there. If this was a dream, he could wake up at any minute.

"When nobody will look at you, you can stare a hole in them," he whispered gently, wondering if his voice would carry over to Aleks. While he was staying in Australia, he'd gone to the Library and checked out the things that he remembered Aleks reading about. He sit in his room in the middle of the night for hours, wearing his old, worn Dresden Dolls shirt and just read. Some parts stuck with him. "Picking out all the little details you'd never stare long enough to get if he'd even just return your gaze... this, this is your revenge." Yeah, so he modified it a little. Sue him.

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TAGGED ?! aleks <3.
WORDS ?! in the rambly nine hundreds.
LOCATION ?! the library.
LYRICS ?! girl anachronism - the dresden dolls.
PLAYING ?! nothing.
NOTES ?! aww c:
CREDIT ?! RUN, DON'T WALK BETH . of CAUTION!

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[aleksei jonathon jakobs]

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Books like this were so intriguing. They were the type you could disappear into, leaving the world around you behind completely, simply sinking into the Times New Roman that spread across parchment coloured pages. You had to, really, to keep up. These weren't the type of books which progressed chronologically, nicely ordered and neat, perfect for that busy guy who only gets to read every now and again for a few minutes. No, this book it was hard to even explain what happened in them without going into deep philosophical concepts and the like. So with these books, Aleks simply got pissed off when most people asked him what they were about. Why don't you just read the goddamn book and work it out for yourself, you lazy bastard? It was just too complex to try and explain, the key concepts seeming years away from the plot, even though they were actually as close as siamese twins.

The sound of a book being dropped made him wince, eyes darkening for a second, shooting daggers into the girl who knocked it as she scurried away, only to look back up to see where the book had fallen from to see a glimpse of pale skin and dark hair before the figure moved away. A small shiver went through his body in a sense of deja vu. There weren't many kids in here with that complexion, and the idea of it also being in a hospital reminded Aleks of the first time had seen Josh, the boy being dragged to his room, Aleks for once calm in the lounge. But whoever had been standing there had moved, and so Aleks let himself spiral back into his book, the sweeping fall making his head spin. God, if Aleks could write like this he'd never stop. Well, maybe he would, but not for long. This guy carried out sick fantasies in word form, a sure fire way to never end up in prison, that was sure. Somewhere Aleks was sure he'd one day be running away from, cause he didn't really think a life behind bars was the life for him. He'd already done stuff since getting out of Bluebird that could of gotten him sent back there, but he'd managed to hide it, or threaten kids into not telling. But once someone found out, or told someone, he was basically fucked. Yeah, he'd make sure he'd fucking kill any tattle tale before he went in, but he'd be on the run for a long time, or just in jail. Neither looked fun, but the latter was most obviously worse.

The quiet buzz of people moving around the library had faded to a quiet background nothing for Aleks, but when a voice, that voice, cut through everything that surrounded him, quiet as anything, but oh so loud to Aleks. That say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and it did, but for Aleks it seemed to make it simply all the more sensitive. As he raised ice blue eyes to see where the voice had come from, all British tinged and perfect, Aleks dug his nails into the palm of his hand, just checking, just seeing if this was simply his own mind taunting him. He'd had that before, and it really was not fucking funny.

But no, the red welts in his palm did make the sight in front of him any different, and if anything made it more real, drawing him fully away from his book, and instead to the boy who sat near him, all skinny pale limbs, messy black hair and intense blue eyes. Josh. Josh. For a second, Aleks wondered if he had dreamed everything up, and nothing over the past few months had happened, and they were back in some library hanging out, everything normal. And then he noticed the nurse standing there, watching Josh from a distance, just making sure. And he realised, that for once, fate had decided to play nicely. And that the boy in front of him was actually real, and a boy. But then... Josh had been what his care team had like to call 'recovered'. As in, he'd been relatively stable, as had Aleksei. Of course, Aleks knew his own story, but he certainly didn't yet know Josh's. His eyes began to scan the boy's body for signs of suicide attempts, looking to his neck for the purple collar left by a noose, and then once he got close enough, grabbing Josh's wrists, pushing his sleeves up so that he could check for the scars of suicide. Nothing. But he was sure there was something.

Sitting on the closest chair to Josh, right on the edge, so that their knees touched, Aleks had yet to let go of Joshua's wrist, claiming them back for his own, fingers circling, marveling at how easily long white digits wrapped around the pale flesh and bone, stroking lightly on Josh's pulse point. He mind returned for a second to what Josh had said, and a small grin turned up the corner of his mouth. "You're too fucking pretty to hide behind a veil, though." He transfered Josh's wrists to one hands, fingers still stroking over pulse points, as his other hand came up to trace Josh's features. What, okay, the boy was being all nice and soft and sweet, he could be, it wasn't completely unusual. Okay, actually, fuck it, it was. But give the boy a bit of time, he's still in shock. Oh, and for those of you who don't know the book? The girl who says that quote shot her own face off. Thus, she hides behind layers of tule, and so can watch the world all she wants, without them seeing her back.

Aleks' thumb stilled over his wrist, finding his heartbeat and listening to it for a minute, before his gaze hardened slightly and he looked Josh straight in the eye. Yes, it was fucking wonderful that his boy was here, but what the fuck landed him here, was really the question. Nothing quite enough to lock him up, but enough to get him on fucking one-on-one here. And that meant, most likely, his boy had tried to fucking hurt himself. And well, no one hurt his Josh apart from him, not even fucking Josh himself. The boy was special, he was his dammit, and he didn't like the idea that the boy had maybe tried to kill himself, had maybe starved himself, had maybe hurt himself so bad that his parents gave up and sent him here. "What'd you do?" His voice was stern, but still tinged with the genuine amazement and wonder that his boy was here with him. And yeah, the question may of seemed a bit abstract, but he knew Josh would get it. Josh was really the only one who knew him, apart from Cam.

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^{TAG – josh <3
WORDS – about one thousand, one hundred and fifty.
NOTES – er, yeah, sorry that it's so long and rambling. dw, you dun need to match it.
TUNES – build god then we'll talk, panic! at the disco.
CREDIT - template by MUNZTAR * of caution 2.0}

[joshua casey preston]

i might join your century,
BUT ONLY ON A RARE OCCASION.

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Josh wasn't sure what to expect, sort of teetering on the edge of anticipation and relief. When Aleksei finally did look up, turning slowly in his direction to expose his whole complexion, it didn't take him very long to notice the other bruises and marks. Teeth marks, even. At first, he could have argued with himself that the nurses had handled him too roughly, but now he knew... and knowing that Aleks was still the same person in that sense made him feel safe somehow, not angry or jealous. Not yet. The tension that had once made his body stiffen for a moment, caused by the other boy's sudden movement, quickly relaxed. Yes, most people feared the younger Brit sitting by him, but most people didn't really know him. Even when Aleks had been a stranger to him, the initial fear that sent warning signals going in his head was more of an adrenaline rush turned infatuation, rather than a fight-or-flight response.

It was a little strange, and perhaps even humorous, the kinds of things that one missed when they were away from another. For the longest time, Josh wanted to hear Alek's voice. It could have been something as simple as hello, though things were never simple with these two. But no words came just yet, watching as the realization sunk in those piercing icy blues, but not daring to follow his gaze over to the nurse. He knew that she was standing there... the whole fucking Library could deduct that with a simple glance and he didn't want to risk losing this line of vision. Of course, Joshua knew better than to underestimate Aleks, knowing that his eyes weren't just admiring his porcelain skin.

They were searching for something. And it was then that he realized that they both had a reason for being here, that many things were still left unsaid, and that there was a world of questions plaguing his mind. Knowing that the other male could see right through him, however, he tried to keep his thoughts at bay.

That was fairly easy to do when Leks moved even closer and abruptly grabbed his wrists, as they all seemed to crack like a mirror and fall to pieces. It was pretty clear what he was looking for, but in a way, it was his doing that Joshua hadn't turned to self-harm like that. He knew how things worked: Aleks didn't like his things to be damaged goods and Josh liked to please him. Mentally, they were all a little fucked up in the head. But physically, all the parts that could seen, all of it had to be perfect. His smooth, pale skin was generally free of marks (apart from the ones Leks himself had made, or fading bruises as a wrist banger), and although on the lankier side than usual, he'd managed to get back to some sort of balance. So when the nurses argued with him back in Bluebird about hanging out too much with a sociopath, Josh really had to wonder what the fuck they knew about anything. Aleksei kept him grounded and taught him way more than they could ever hope to learn. Some things intentionally, others were not.

His gaze remained transfixed on Aleks, drifting slowly down to where their hands met for just a moment. Then a voice interrupted the still silence and Josh's eyes flickered up towards those curled lips. The compliment seemed simple on the surface, but Josh knew better. So his lips quickly fell into a crooked smile, letting out a gentle breath through his parted lips as his wrists were held in place and his face was being touched. He wasn't a big fan of being touched, not in this way where Aleks already had control and there was a certain level of trust. Sure, he could probably wiggle out of it or turn his face away, but he didn't. Josh simply allowed himself to dwell in the moment, never thinking as clearly as he was right now. The little pessimistic voice nagging him in the back of his mind was telling him that this wouldn't last, that it was too good to be true. With every stroke of the other boy's thumb, he was able to chase those thoughts away. And then suddenly, it stopped.

"What'd you do?" The question itself wasn't difficult. Joshua had gotten pissed drunk, jumped out of his window, and fortunately walked away from it with a mild concussion... but he knew, as well as anyone else with half a brain knew, that he couldn't just say that to Aleksei. He couldn't explain that he had actually not only entertained the thought of wanting to die, but also experienced it. He wouldn't like it. So Josh was able to meet Aleks' sharp gaze, but when his mouth opened, none of the words spilled out. Instead, he toyed with his bottom lip, contemplating his answer. His mind kept flashing back to his searches in London for his boy, wanting so desperately to reach out and just... touch those bruises on his lovely face. Like maybe he could absorb them through his skin somehow and share the pain. Did they hurt?

But Josh's wrists were still being held and he made no effort to free himself. He was lost... lost in the moment, lost in Aleks, lost for words. "I tried to find you," he finally spoke when he found his voice, which was surprisingly steady and smooth like velvet. "And I did." Yes, he did. He found him on every street corner in London, in every lyric of the songs he liked, in every word of those books he read. He even found Aleksei at the bottom of that goddamn bottle, because for all he knew, the other boy... his boy was dead. So that still left the question of how his counterpart ended up here and Josh wasn't sure if he'd like the answer.

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TAGGED ?! aleks <3.
WORDS ?! nine ninety ish.
LOCATION ?! the library.
LYRICS ?! girl anachronism - the dresden dolls.
PLAYING ?! the dog's snoring, lol.
NOTES ?! no way, that was totally fine.
CREDIT ?! RUN, DON'T WALK BETH . of CAUTION!

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[aleksei jonathon jakobs]

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If you're wondering why Aleksei wasn't quite his usual bastardising self quite yet, there were a number of reasons. The first being very simple. This was Josh. He wasn't a complete dick-head when around this boy, in fact he could be quite different. Yeah, he could still be a bit of a dick-head, he could still be an arrogant, cocky son of a bitch. The difference was, with Josh he wasn't always. It wasn't he default mode, so to speak, and when he was down he didn't feel the need to hide it quite as great. It was the same with Cam, although vastly different. With Cam, he was able to show he was depressed, simply cause he knew she could understand being more narcissistic and self-depreciating at the same time. With Josh, it was simply because the boy had know him for so long, because he had seen most facets of Aleks' personality. He didn't need to hide the fact that he could sometimes be found sitting in the corner, trying to tear his arms to shreds from Josh, because Josh understood enough to see that being that way didn't make his assertive and egotistical side any less. Even so, at least fifty percent of the time, Aleks was still a bit of a conceited bastard, but that was just the way it was. These two didn't exactly have a fairy-tale romance, but there was something between them that he had encountered between no one else.

For the second reason, it was just that this experience still didn't have that edge of reality. It was like having lost a part of yourself in one place, and then going to a completely different place, and finding it there. It wasn't something which completely sunk in straight away, such an implausible situation that the circumstance weren't likely to sink in for a number of hours. Every time he looked up at the boy, this strange, fucked up boy, who was someone one of the only good things in Aleks' life (especially when he found himself in downward spirals), there was an inner worry that any time he blinked Josh would be torn away. A memory just to be erased from his mind. A loss of contact from reality, true-life psychosis. Forgetting those mad, crazy, manic moments when psychosis hit him was bad enough, but the feeling that any second now that would happen wasn't something he wanted. His finger nails dug into Josh's skin slightly, where his hand's were placed around his wrists, as if anchoring him to the fact that yes, his boy was really here, sitting in front of him in this godforsaken place.

A grin flickered over Aleks' features as Josh answered him, basking for a moment in the boy's voice, before they hardened again. As much as he loved the answer, and knew his boy wasn't lying to him, there was more behind it all than that. It was like asking an anorexic girl why they were on a feeding tube, and getting the answer 'I was trying to be pretty'. Not a lie, but simply to feelings and emotions behind an action, not the action itself. Still, when Josh had replied, even not telling exactly what Aleks had wanted or needed to hear, it still made his heart beat just a little faster.
People often wondered how two young boys, as fucked up as they were (having both been in the same fucking forensic unit), had managed to keep a relationship between the two of them without something horrific happening. And it was the little things like this that showed how. Showed how they fit together, a bit like two long lost puzzle pieces finally having found their match.

Aleks' leant forward, placing a soft featherlight kiss on Josh's cheek, as in acknowledgment of the fact that he accepted the answer, was pleased with it, didn't really mind the fact that he had squirmed out of the question. But when he leant away, a stern look was back in his eyes, tinged with something akin to love, as his gazed deep into cobalt blues. "Josh. What'd you do?" The emphasis on the last word solidified the question, asking for actions, not the thought process or emotion behind it. His fingers started to tap-tap-tap out a metronome beat on that pale wrist, as if in count down, a waiting signal. He needed to know, he had to. Yeah, he knew that whatever Josh said would most probably make him angry, but he'd also be worse if Josh didn't tell him. And maybe it was slightly hypocritical to be angry at his boy for doing something which had most probably hurt himself doing, when Aleks had many times done shit like that, but Aleks never really claimed to give equal judgement on all people, including himself. Equality wasn't really something he excelled in, constantly having different standards for himself and others, and then having different standards within those 'others'. For Josh, you could say his standards were quite high. He wanted his boy to eat, to not hurt himself, to stay with him, to not try to kill himself; but at the same time,he only had those standards because of how much he cared for his boy. Yeah, he might get pissy if Josh stopped eating, for instance, but you know, that's understandable, isn't it?

"Tell me." His voice was a little softer now, although just as commanding, as his fingers reached up once more for Josh's face, pushing his hair behind his ear so that he could see that fucking beautiful face better, keeping his eyes open as he leant in a kissed him gently on the lips once, before leaning back. "You know I'd find out anyway, what with Cam's hacking." It was so true. Even if Josh denied to tell him, it was quick to simply ring the girl up and get her to look through the files. It'd be piss easy. But he'd really rather hear it from those red-rose lips, and then find a way to get his boy away from all those fucking doctors and nurses. They'd already gotten away from all this, and going back was just not fair. He wanted to sneak Josh away somewhere, run away. Maybe America wasn't as good as England, but being free anywhere is better than being locked away. And with Cam and Josh? And then, well, he couldn't leave Tristan behind, could he? No, not really. He wouldn't really want to either.

Fingers moved, so that instead of them being wrapped around Josh's wrists, he instead held the boy's hand, thumb stroking over thumb carefully. He wanted to take Josh back to his room, undress him explore him. It wasn't even a sexual feeling, just a need to reclaim what was his, a need to make sure that nothing had changed. That no one... "Did you hookup with anyone while I was gone?" The words came out without Aleks even thinking about then, a gut reflex. His fingers clenched slightly, not at all liking any scenario that came into his head. Again, he was quite a bit of a hypocrite here, still having the bruises from his last 'hookup' marking his body. And maybe 'hookup' sounded like a bad word to use, but at least it covered all bases. He would of used 'been fucked by', but then... That didn't cover handjobs, or blowjobs, or even just fucking grinding, did it? And those still counted in Aleks' mind. Counted enough that if the answer was yes, fuck the nurse, he was reclaiming his boy.

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^{TAG – josh <3
WORDS – one thousand, two hundred and seventy.
NOTES – here you go =) again long, but josh does that to me.
TUNES – camisado, panic! at the disco.
CREDIT - template by MUNZTAR * of caution 2.0}

[joshua casey preston]

i might join your century,
BUT ONLY ON A RARE OCCASION.

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There were a lot of things in life that Josh couldn't really count on. His parents for one, because they had their own problems and their own lives to worry about. Hell, his father wasn't really his father... that alone was enough to capsize any other boy's mental ship, the thought that any bastard out on the street could have the other half of your genes. That at any given moment, you could bump into them and have no idea. Yes, he knew the circumstances. It wasn't hard to put one and one together after hearing part of a conversation and dodging those looks. You know the type, the one where they don't know if they should pity you or hate you, but being condescending is just so much easier. So while death itself was fascinating to Joshua, funerals were another story. It was quite sad, really. Most of those people he hadn't seen since he was in diapers. It took death to bring people together.

Another thing he couldn't count on were the therapists. Clearly, he wasn't recovered at all, which only led him to believe that he wasn't really sick in the first place. But Aleksei... well, he could always count on Aleksei and his own reactions to the other boy. Within the first five minutes and a grand total of about thirteen simple words, Josh had already smiled. Granted, it was crooked and it always felt like it didn't fit right on his mouth, but it was a natural impulse around Aleks. It didn't matter what subject matter he was reading about, or the fact that they hadn't seen each other in a while. For Joshua, it almost seemed like time had stopped around the time that his mum got the call from Australia and started up again right about now. Everything in between was just... going through the motions, he supposed? But Aleks' fingernails digging into his skin and probably leaving behind angry lines were reminding them both that it was safe to wake up now.

Joshua wasn't trying to test the other Brit's patience. He wasn't playing a mind game with hidden agendas, or trying to come up with a lie. He was trying to protect him. He knew that Aleksei cared, in different ways than most people, but he did care. And it took Josh a long time for him to admit to himself that he did want to die, much less say it aloud to anyone else. And then the only person he had ever trusted with his life kissed his cheek, causing some of the light to return to his cobalt blue eyes. This wasn't just anyone else, was it? Anyone else wouldn't have his wrists in their hands, or ask them such personal questions expecting an honest answer. Anyone else didn't have such a firm grasp on his mind, body, and soul... no, and he was sure as shit that Leks was going to be the death of him someday, and what a brilliant day that would be.

It only took a look for Joshua to feel like he was crumbling, like all of his walls were being swept away. It was subtle, almost graceful, how one boy could get more out of him than any other so-called qualified or trained individual. It wasn't clear yet, but it would be soon. For now, he was both soothed and made anxious by the tapping. They did that sometimes when they were trying to find the vein back at the hospital, right before they stuck a huge needle in his arm. It also reminded him of the click, click, click of the turn signal when his parents dropped him off at the airport. Blinking once, then twice, Josh felt his vision blur back into focus as his gaze settled again on those stunning features.

When Aleks spoke again, he immediately wanted to comply. He wanted to tell him exactly how fucked up he was, but something was blocking him. It wasn't like his tongue had swelled or he was scared. Maybe he just wanted to keep hearing him talk, committing those words to memory. But they knew each other so well, that once Aleks brushed his hair rather tenderly out of his face and pecked his lips, that was it. The extra remark about Cameron only made him chuckle, before it hit him. "Cam... is here too?" It came out as more of a statement than a question, not sure whether to be glad or worried. Though if she was capable of hacking, then she wasn't in bad shape. Good thing he wasn't doped up on medication enough for it to affect his reasoning skills, because Aleks seemed pretty dazed himself. And who could blame either of them, really?

Then came the question that grounded him like a bat to the back of the head. His brows furrowed towards the center, while his blue eyes trailed over Alek's face more carefully. It seemed like he was hit repeatedly, bitten, and who knows what else. And yet... maybe it was time, or the possessive connotation of his question, or just in his head. But Aleksei had never looked this preciously raw and beautiful. "No," he answered without hesitation, before his lips curled into a loose grin. "There was a girl next door that brought me flowers once. We were staying at Gran's for the first week, for some sort of closure, my mum said... anyway, I told her I wasn't dead yet." Needless to say, the girl didn't stop by ever again. Josh wondered if Aleks would smile then, knowing that even in his absence, he'd still managed to be there somehow.

Taking in a slight intake of breath, the recently legal London native spoke up again. "I just wanted to make it stop, Leks," he admitted as he looked down at their hands briefly, now no longer at the wrists, but basically holding hands. It was much more equal now, not a power struggle of any kind. Just them. He'd briefly seen the mark of a fag's end on his wrist, like he'd used himself as an ashtray. It was probably a display of superiority, he knew. For if he really wanted to hurt himself, Josh knew that the other boy was much more direct. Gently turning Aleks' wrist and leaning down to press his lips against the fading mark, his black hair probably tickled skin on his way back up to meet those eyes again. "When I went back to London, I spent days in my room. One night, I was just... I was thinking too much." He knew that the whole 'I wasn't thinking' line wouldn't work with Aleksei.

"Drowning lessons, it felt like. Grabbed a bottle and I thought I... they say I jumped." There was a distant look in his eyes for a moment, like he was somewhere else. He hoped Aleks would understand, even if he got angry. Because waking up in that godforsaken hospital bed and not having his boy by his side only made him believe that he'd only be able to see Aleks again when he was dead.

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TAGGED ?! aleks <3.
WORDS ?! one thousand, one seventy-ish.
LOCATION ?! the library.
LYRICS ?! girl anachronism - the dresden dolls.
PLAYING ?! demolition lovers - my chemical romance.
NOTES ?! aleks seems to have the same effect on me c:
CREDIT ?! RUN, DON'T WALK BETH . of CAUTION!

[/size][/center]

[aleksei jonathon jakobs]

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That smile, slightly crooked, but reflected in those blue eyes; it was something Aleks hadn't even realised he had missed so much. He had certainly known he really fucking missed the boy, but he hadn't quite realised that those little things could just get him. Knowing that the crooked grin was his doing, knowing that his boy was certainly feeling some form of happiness, and knowing this from a simply facial expression (because honestly, he'd be able to tell if that smile was fake, and it goddamn bloody wasn't). He and Josh could read each other like books, they were connected in ways that others simply could not comprehend. It was a beautiful thing, that seemed like it could live forever, and yet only time would tell if it did.

The chuckle that escaped Josh's mouth made Aleks grin, loving the sound, before he nodded his head in response to his boy's enquiry. "Yeah, she came some time after me." Talking about Cam, she'd want to see Josh. You see, she approved of Josh, she liked him; together they formed a menacing trio. "She'll want to see you." But his hand didn't go anywhere near the phone which lay in his pocket, even though he knew that with one call she could be here within minutes. He wanted to keep Josh to himself for now, keep him here, make him his all over again. Aleks hadn't been particularly good at sharing when he was a kid, and however much Cam was his best friend, at the moment he didn't want to share Josh with her. No, for now, for as long as he could Josh was going to be all his, and no one else's. Not even for talking, not even for looking. Talking about looking, he really wanted to get out of here, this fucking public space. Although no one was sitting particularly close to them, the idea that people might be looking at his Josh, that they might be watching them pissed him off. Normally he would be the opposite, wanting to show off that this was his boy, no one else's, and though you may really fucking want him, you're never gonna get him. But not now, right now he couldn't even be fucked to show off; this was more than just that. It was so much more, and it was making him feel complete for the first time in what felt like fucking ages.

Aleks' breathed out as Josh confirmed that no, he hadn't hooked up with anyone. The ball of tension and anger which had been building up in his chest since he had conceived the question started to detangle. Silly girl, bringing flowers to his Josh, thinking she could ever even grasp who and what he was. It made Aleks smile, bringing his lips down to Josh's again, whispering in to them as he did, smile turning up the corners of his mouth. "Knew you wouldn't. Missed you so fucking much, baby boy." He kissed Josh once more on the lips before trailing a few light kisses over his cheekbones before sitting back once again, eyes still on his, that smile still on his face. He didn't know exactly what his reaction would have been if Josh had said the opposite, but this answer? Made him smile, made him 'happy'. People sometimes got confused about Aleks, because they seemed to believe he couldn't experience human emotion. No fucktards, he simply doesn't have a conscience, and experiences quite a few of them in very different ways. He could still be made happy by his.... 'Boyfriend's' (if that was the right word) confirmation that no, he hadn't slept with anyone. The fact that although it was a small detail, Josh had still put in that some girl had tried to woo him, made it even better. Some people would of left that out, thinking it not important, or just not realising what the little things did. But they did so much, and knowing that Josh had turned the kid down made it even better.

As Josh started on his story, Aleks began to stiffen up. He may have expected, even known that Josh was going to tell him of a suicide attempt, but that didn't make hearing it any fucking better, did it? No, in no fucking way did it make it any better. In some ways the anticipation only made it worse, building it up. His grip tightened on Josh's hand subconsciously, a calm sort of anger building up. Not the type which made you lash out, but the type which just was held inside, making your words hard. Josh may have only said a few words so far, but by knowing the boy you could tell where the story was gonna go.

When his boy leant down and kissed the burn mark on Aleks' wrist, and thought flittered through his head. That hookup with Ashton, the one before with Eliza, and the building tension with Tristan. He knew the boy would find out at some point, but to tell him now? That was a different question. He'd tell him, yes, but not now. The bruises wouldn't go by unnoticed, no, certainly not. He'd almost be disappointed in his boy if they were, since they were such obvious marks. But still, back to the matter on hand, his Josh, telling his story.

Aleks' thumb began stroking over Josh's once again, soothing, letting him know that even though Aleks' grip had gone tight, that his eyes were burning with a hidden type of anger, he wasn't really angry. Not in the way most would expect. It was more him being pissed off, wanting control, knowing that he didn't have control over the past, couldn't go back and change all that so that Josh hadn't attempted to kill himself, however much he wanted to. He wanted control over it all, wanted to make it so that Josh wouldn't even think of doing something like that. But he didn't have the ability to have that type of control, at least not when he attempted this, and that was what made him pissed off. Although, a very very small part of him was almost pleased that his boy found it that hard to function without him, that he really actually needed him. It made him slightly smug, wanting to wrap his boy up in his arms, make him know that he owned him, almost to tell him that he knew the boy couldn't survive without him, and that he was practically proud of that, in some warped way.

When Josh said he jumped, Aleks' nails dug into Josh's skin for a second, and a low growl was ripped from his throat. Never do that, never fucking never. He was not allowed to, he couldn't, he was his, not fucking Death's. He edged himself closer to Josh, getting as close as he physically could, needed the contact, needing that goddamn reality, needed his touch. People never realised how deadly mental illness was, seeing is as a lesser type of illness than physical illness. You tell someone you have cancer, they'll send you flowers, come to visit you, worry about your life expectancy. You tell someone you're depressed, they'll simply go 'isn't everyone?' And then you'll want to punch them. No, fuck you, death was closer to some people with a mental illness than some people with a physical illness would ever experience. And hearing that Josh had been so close, that he could of died... No, that wasn't ever gonna happen, just no. Aleks' wouldn't allow it, this boy was his fuck it, he wasn't allowed to die.

Slim fingers went to Josh's jawline, holding his face and turning it to Aleks so he could look him straight in the eye. "Never never fucking do that again." His voice was tinged with anger, although steady, his fingers strong where they held Josh's face. "Don't you fucking dare, or I'll fucking kill you." Okay, technically he couldn't exactly kill a dead person, but he'd find some fucking way. At the moment, reality wasn't exactly his biggest concern. "You got me?" His fingers gripped harder for a second, looking deep into Josh's eyes, angry and harsh. But then his fingers fell from his boy's jawline, and instead he scooted forward, kissing the boy on the lips as he did so, before the kisses changed to down the side of the boy's neck, talking into the skin as he did so. "Never, never, fucking never, you're mine, not anyone else's not even the Reaper's. You're not allowed to, okay? Not again, not ever. Don't even fucking think about it. You're mine." He punctuated the last word by sucking a lovebite into the pale skin, right about the collarbone, biting down as he did so, so that the pain got through. He didn't give a fuck who was looking right now, he needed that mark on his boy's skin, almost a claim against death and nature. Once done, the purple mark dark and sure to be there for at least a week, he kissed the side of the boy's head, and ran his finger's through the ebony black hair, words quieter, anger subsided. "Promise me. Promise me you won't." He turned so he could look into the boy's eyes again, staring deep into them. He'd make sure he wouldn't do it, he'd make that boy keep that promise. And he was gonna kill everyone who had ever made his boy's life worse, make him even think of doing shit like this. He already had a few on that list, but fuck it, he was in no way afraid to add more.

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^{TAG – josh <3
WORDS – one thousand, six hundred and seventeen.
NOTES – not sure if i quite expressed myself properly, but hope it's okay.
TUNES – bad habit, the dresden dolls.
CREDIT - template by MUNZTAR * of caution 2.0}

[joshua casey preston]

i might join your century,
BUT ONLY ON A RARE OCCASION.

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At Aleks' response, Joshua's cobalt blue eyes traced over that precious grin as he started to put certain pieces together. So Cameron had arrived after Aleks... but exactly how long had the other male been here? Well, he could figure out a rough estimate, based on the last time they'd seen each other. But what brought Aleksei all the way out here to America, other than his parents? These were all questions that Josh was being asked, but vice-versa was a mystery to him still. Of course, he'd want to know about Cameron too and they'd probably end up talking quite a bit, but for right now, there was nowhere he'd rather be. "I'm sure she will soon. I must've bumped into half of the population already," he quipped with a nod, because for some reason this place seemed a lot smaller. Maybe it was because he was in isolation for his first few days, and some of his past claustrophobic tendencies were acting up, but this place was absolutely suffocating. Then again, he was still on one-to-one, so being followed around by a nurse like a dog on a leash wasn't exactly liberating.

A lot of people didn't understand why Josh was the way he was, much less how his relationships worked. With Aleks, he knew that there was a double standard: Aleks was allowed to hurt, to cut, to sleep with others, to mark them, and well, to basically do anything. Granted, who the hell would tell Aleks he couldn't do those things? But Josh, dear Josh was put on a pedestal and although it was harder for him, it was how he survived. See, if Aleks didn't give a shit, then neither did he. But Aleks cared so much, even in a possessive way about his body, that every time he was standing on the edge something would pull him back. Maybe a smell, or an object, or a word that seemed to be louder than all of the others; anything related to his boy. Those were things Josh never said aloud, because he didn't want to appear like he just needed Leks as a crutch. He did, but he didn't. There were also genuine feelings there and a level of trust that no one else had been able to gain.

As the other boy closed the space between them and muttered against his lips, Joshua smiled in return and kissed him back, before he was peppered with kisses which almost made him giggle. "I'd say that you have no idea, but I know you do," he replied gently, not being like one of those stupid gits who thought Aleks didn't have feelings. What kind of person with feelings says something like that? "You're the only one who does." That much was true, on many levels. Yes, he could have settled for a quick shag, or holding hands with a stranger on a trolley or something, but what would that accomplish? The moment they heard that he'd gone to a mental hospital, they'd be gone like bats out of hell. So instead of facing that kind of rejection--or any kind of rejection, really--he'd mostly kept to himself.

And anyway, to be honest, girls didn't really do it for him. He found them attractive sometimes and Aleks did have certain femme-like features, but his world had revolved around hospitals, tattoos, sleeping, and his boy. Up 'til now, that's pretty much all he knew. That, and a lengthy amount about death and the different scenarios that he'd concocted, because how easy would it be to do something stupid and then kill yourself? You wouldn't have to suffer the consequences. But of course, Aleks was always quick to put that into perspective for him, pretty much being the only one who ever took the time to do that. Everyone else thought it was a phase, or some kind of teenage rebellion.

Joshua felt the grip change, tightening as he started telling his boy the truth. Not what he wanted to hear, not skipping out on any details, just short and to the point. There was no need for any dramatic flair or oversimplifying anything, because Aleksei would still react the same way. Once he pulled back from the marks, he started to wonder certain things. He knew that they worked very differently, him and Aleks, but... did he find someone else who made him smile like that? Had someone dared to get to know him? It had been a while. Not too long, but maybe long enough, and although Josh wasn't particularly possessive in terms of markings or sex, they had still dated. Had? Were? Might've been? The lines were hardly ever clear. To him, Leks had always been his boyfriend from the first time they met, even if he was shoving his tongue down someone else's throat. But here, he didn't know what to expect.

While Aleks seemed to be pondering something, he slowly let his blue eyes drift around a bit. When he saw him, his boy had been alone. In fact, he'd been reading a book that he was certain was a comfort book, so instead of confiding in someone else he had been here. By himself. Still, that didn't really mean much. The fact that he was even thinking about it, or that he had ever thought ahead about their relationship was a little new to Joshua. The therapists always asked him what he wanted to do with his life and he would just shrug carelessly. They never once asked who he wanted to spend it with. Now, it didn't really have to be in a boyfriend aspect. Simply having Aleks around was very comforting to him. But could he deal with just sitting by him, just feeling his body heat, just staring at him without crossing the line? He wasn't sure. It was all very... well, confusing to him. Going your whole life without a secure attachment to anyone, including family, sort of made this a weird exception.

Aleks might like that though, Josh found himself thinking, as once again the other boy quelled his thoughts without even knowing. Blinking a few times, he felt Leks' thumb and knew that it was okay. Coaxing him to continue with the words that felt a little foreign coming from his own lips, like it was someone else telling the story. Certainly little Josh wouldn't do a thing like that. Hell, his mother didn't really believe any of it still, but that might have to do with her own misplaced guilt more than anything.

A growl broke through his subconscious as the nails dug into his skin even deeper, but instead of crying out, the Brit bit down on his bottom lip submissively and bared it. Everyone else gave up, or pushed him away so that they wouldn't have to deal with it, handing him off to someone else. But Aleksei... well, the boy had grabbed his face and was staring holes into him. Not bad holes, but the type that burn your skin and cleanse you, while making you realize that someone actually wanted you here. And being reminded that Aleks cared so much, even if his eyes were wide out of a gut reaction, they also glistened a little. Not out of fear, or pain, or even anger. It was something a lot deeper than that, something he hadn't felt in a long time. A self-awareness of sorts. The grip tightened, but Josh didn't wince. He was mesmerized and maybe even a little relieved that something greater had taken pity on him and sent him here, instead of granting his death wish.

Just as he started to nod, though he wasn't sure if he could keep that sort of promise, he felt another pair of lips on his own. Then they trailed over porcelain, the black and white contrast alluring to his eyes both metaphorically as well as physically. A guttural mewl, somewhere between a whimper and a moan, managed to escape his parted lips at the stinging, but more than welcome contact. Just another thing Josh could cherish for as long as it lasted. When Aleks pulled away, he immediately felt the loss, but it was calmed by the stroking of his hair while his cobalt blues stared back at the other boy. Again, a promise, one that Josh wasn't sure he could keep. But he licked his bright red lips, slightly swollen by his teeth tugging at them before, before reaching up to gingerly brush his fingertips over the mark on his collarbone.

Pressing down gently with a gentle grin, the pressure made spots appear behind his eyes as he closed them, before opening them again and reaching out to touch the bruise on Aleks' cheek. "Mmm, I promise," he whispered, so gently that it was almost inaudible. Dancing across shades of purple and black, his brows furrowed towards the center. "Did you go to the dance? I saw an old flyer stuck to another boy's shoe when they were walking by earlier." His thumb moved across Leks' lips, before he planted a kiss on them, their noses touching briefly. "And why are they keeping you here, love?"

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TAGGED ?! aleks <3.
WORDS ?! one thousand, five hundred fifteen-ish.
LOCATION ?! the library.
LYRICS ?! girl anachronism - the dresden dolls.
PLAYING ?! van city - hunter valentine.
NOTES ?! no one can, or will ever be able to play aleks
better than you <3. that being said, i thought it was perfect.
CREDIT ?! RUN, DON'T WALK BETH . of CAUTION!

[/size][/center]

[aleksei jonathon jakobs]

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"Should've bumped into me first, you bastard." The insult was said as a term of endearment, a smirk on Aleks' face, even though he was actually quite deadly serious in many ways. Jealously wasn't the right word, but he certainly felt a brand of resentment towards those people who had seen his boy first, even if they hadn't acknowledged him as Aleks had. Although maybe without realising it, that had known something about his boy that he hadn't yet known; that Josh was in Hawthorne, here, and even though he knew it now, it didn't make it any better that the good-for-nothing idiots who seemed to populate this place had, if only few a few moments, hour or days (how long had josh been here so far? How long had fate just decided to play fucking games with them?), that was still too long, far too long a period of time for such important information to be passed by. True, he hadn't known what was happening to Josh when Josh had been in Australia, and he hadn't known what was happening to Josh when Aleks himself had been here, but there was difference between then and now. For starters, as soon as he could get the boy away, probably in his dorm, curled up on the bed, he'd make Josh tell him everything, so that he could once again feel complete with his boy. And secondly, when Josh had been here, and yet not here (since Aleks hadn't known), there had been no real distance separating them, only chance and fucking fate. At least when there had been a fucking ocean between them you could easy find reasons why Aleks hadn't known what Josh was doing, where he was, but in the same fucking building? God, he should have gotten Cam to hack the computers. Not like he did that on a regular basis, but he was just so pissed off that there was any measure of time in which Josh had been here that he hadn't been with him or known.

Aleks smiled at Josh as the boy spoke, leaning in the peck another kiss on his lips as he did so. God, Aleks wasn't going to be an stereotypical teenager and go down the 'no-one understands me' route, but god, really, no one understood him, the facts were fucking there, and this boy proved the exception to the rule. He didn't go 'oh, you can't feel remorse, thus you must not be able to miss someone', like ninety percent of the population seemed to do; no, he got Aleks, he understood him in ways in which no one seemed to do. In truth, yes, Aleks was hard to understand, the facets of his personality complex and confusing. But there was something in the relationship between him and Josh that seemed to bridge all that, a mutual awareness of each other. Maybe it was because Josh was one of the only people whom Aleks relaxed enough in front of to actually talk about his feelings, or maybe it was just their natural spark, that connection which he hadn't yet found with anyone else, at least no where near as comprehensively. True, yes, there was maybe... One or two people whom that connection had a possibly of forming with, but it hadn't happened yet, and well, with Josh here, would it now? It was just something he could tell, that he wouldn't know until it happened. He may hate that, but fate plays its part in everything.

Those lips, those eye, that face; the way he licked those lips then pressed on the freshly made lovebite that adorned the inked pale skin; it all suddenly sent a pang of want and lust through Aleks, blue eyes darkening - the way Josh took what Aleks gave him, that sensual mewl that had slipped out of his throat, sending sparks down Aleks' spine, making his fingers and lips itch for this boy that sat so close to him. Bloody stupid fucking nurse, sitting there, watching. If it wasn't certain to get her radioing someone, he would of already grabbed Josh's hand and ran, but now, even if they only managed a brief period of time together, he was thinking it was more and more worth it. Then the whispered promise that slipped between those perfect red lips, a promise which brought a gentle smile to Aleks' lips, a rarity, for his lips were most commonly plagued with smirks or cruel smiles. But no, this was one of happiness, or joy, and then just quite a lot of want mixed in with that. The dance? It wasn't really what was on his mind right now, but then, of course, Josh would want to know what Aleks had been up to, maybe not quite as desperately as Aleks' did for Josh, but still, they were technically 'going out', or whatever you wanted to call it. The dance... Tristan... "Yeah, I went. They set everyone up with someone, I got my roommate, Tristan." He wasn't going to hide Eliza or Ashton from Josh, and least of all Tristan, since there had only been sexual tension between him and his roommate, no actual interaction of any sort. And yes, if Josh asked him, he'd tell him that, but it didn't even really seem relevant to the conversation they were having, so why drop it in? Just another piece of useless data to the answer of the question, really.

Teeth came out and scraped lightly against his boy's thumb as he ran it across Aleks' lips, and when he came in for a light kiss, he held on for just a bit, longer, anchoring his teeth into the boy's lip for a few seconds, eyes open, staring deep into cerulean blues as he did so, Aleks' eyes dark with meaning. He was currently formulating a plan to try and get his boy out of there, now, even if only to lay him down and cover him in lovebites, and nothing else, although he knew that in reality once he'd done that he'd want to do so much fucking more. Still, the theory was that maybe he could stop there. But you see, the plan had a bad consequence no matter what, since whatever they did, it would probably mean that there would be repercussions for the both of them. Probably being that Josh would be on one-on-one longer, unless he was an absolute angel-star-child the rest of the time, and even then it was pushing it. Again, however, the fact that it could very much be worth if rose up in Aleks' mind, but then in Josh was on one-on-one for too long, he'd fucking punch someone, that could be sure. The whole thing was a dilemma, a conundrum wrapped up in a conundrum. But hey, his boy was asking him a question now, and hey, it was one he knew was coming, even if he knew Josh wouldn't particularly like the answer.

"Stopped meds, stopped eating, drove my dad's 911 into a wall. Think he figured it was cheaper to send me here then keep paying for damages since the insurance refuses to cover the shit I do." He skipped through the first part of the sentence, even though in truth it was really the answer to what Josh was asking. His boy didn't care to hear about Aleks' parent's insurance policy, at least, not likely, and if he was at all influenced by Aleks' own view of his parents, he probably wouldn't care about them in the slightest. However, the first four words were really the bits which actually mattered, and which had properly gotten him sent here. Aleks' BMI had dropped to between thirteen and fourteen in a dramatically short period of time, simply because he basically completely starved himself, and had already had a relatively low weight. But hey, that didn't matter, did it? Not to Aleks' at least. He was pissed that they had found out, and he had originally been pissed that they had sent him here, but maybe not so much now. Granted, he'd prefer to be free in London with his boy, but right now he'd take almost anything. Speaking of...

Leaning forward so that his lips brushed Josh's ear, Aleks' bit at it playfully before he whispered into his boy's ear. "You think we could make a run for it? Can't stand having you here, mine, and yet that fucking nurse watching us. Got so fucking much I'd do to you in I could have you all to myself, in my room, any-fucking-where." He leant back then, but only enough so that he could kiss his boy again, just deep enough so that the nurse across the room cleared her throat as Aleks tugged and bit on Josh's lip, wanting to see it swollen, his pale fingers coming up to press down on the purple lovebite that lay on Josh's skin. He stopped the kiss, but kept his lips to Josh's as he spoke. "What'd you say, then. Think we could get away with it?"

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^{TAG – josh <3
WORDS – one thousand, five hundred and twenty.
NOTES – here you go, and omfg josh is amazing.
TUNES – the buzz of electricity.
CREDIT - template by MUNZTAR * of caution 2.0}

[joshua casey preston]

i might join your century,
BUT ONLY ON A RARE OCCASION.

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Instead of frowning at Aleksei's harsh, but heartfelt words, Josh found himself tilting his head ever so slightly with a little twinkle in his eyes. His lips were even, but the corners were twitching a little as if in a futile attempt to battle his boy's insult. He missed this, someone who was so blunt and unapologetic that most people wanted to knock that devious smirk off, but not him. No, he quite liked it where it was, thank you. "If I had a choice in the matter, I would have done much more than bump," the older boy stated as he shook his hair out of his cobalt blue eyes, a mix of familiarity and rediscovered spunk seeping into his tone. He felt like he was finally grasping at something real in this fucking place. Fate had royally screwed them over, that much was certain. But unlike Aleks, he didn't think about it that way. Mostly because the last few hours, days, week, or who knows how long wasn't something he wanted to store. It was unimportant. The tour, the medication, the exhaustion, the kicking off, Isolation... none of that was something that stood out to him. It was just another day in the unlife of a boy who thought he'd lost his best friends and his grip on reality.

Another thing was that he didn't really have a firm grip on time. It all flowed together, or stopped very suddenly. Like his memories were cut and paste from a burning strip of film that was still rolling in his head. The only thing he wanted to remember were the good things, from the good days where things made sense for a little while. Not how he could have been with Leks this whole time, instead of wondering how well or effective his death could have been. People were always quick to label others, and he was fairly certain that if he said half of his thoughts aloud that he would be seen as 'suicidal' or even 'demented.' Or wait, his favorite one of all... 'disturbed.' If people spent most of their existence wondering about life and glorifying it, what was the difference in doing the same about death? It was the only thing in that life was inevitable. He didn't have to be named Shakespeare and he didn't need to explain himself because some Whitecoat wanted to know what it was like to be him. If they could be so kind and bugger off, that'd be great.

Right now, the only thing that mattered was that there were two sets of heartbeats, however irregular his was going every time another pair of soft lips pressed against his. It was stable, and almost a little surprising how easily Josh was able to feel comfortable around someone again, despite the fact that Leks was probably one of the most dangerous individuals in this place. In his head, he would always be the most. Yeah, so it was a little biased, but Bluebird seemed to be more than this. More of everything, really. And although that should have been a warning signal, knowing what Aleksei was capable of, Joshua only seemed drawn to his presence more. Not like a moth to a flame, for it wasn't just fascination and it had never been. The connection was indescribable. It was like trying to explain to someone why space was infinite. You just had to believe it.

Maybe it was because of the fact that Josh had been playing mute for a while that he probably didn't look it, but did he want to run off with Aleksei and have his way with him? It wasn't even a question. Time had done nothing to tarnish those flawless features, even if another hand and a pair of teeth had. It didn't bother him... it didn't, it didn't, it didn't. Well, maybe it did. Maybe Josh didn't show it as much, because in that way he was much more careful. Saying too much might change the way things were, the way things Aleks expected them to be, and he really didn't think that he could do without that smile that the boy seemed to save just for him. At his response, Josh nodded his satisfaction, though he wondered if this Tristan was prettier than him. Is that what made Leks' mind up to go to a social gathering? Then again, there could have been other reasons, like boredom, and Josh was no stranger to that feeling or wanting to eliminate it.

He was pulled out of his self-depreciating thoughts when he felt the clash of teeth against his skin. First, briefly in passing against his finger, but then lingering as it clamped down on his lip. His eyes darted as they searched those mirrored darkened orbs, everything that he had to know reflected back at him. The lust, the desire, the wonder if everything was still the same. Josh felt goosebumps rising on his pale skin at the mere thought of Aleks staying this close, not having to do anything specific to get him tangled up in himself. No coherent thoughts, no objections to the loss of control, even if they were level with one another. Eye to eye. The rest of the world was blocked out from his view and all he could see was black and blue. Even if Aleks were to pull away, that's how it always was around him, so easily swayed.

And then a single sentence cut through him, reminding Josh that he was holding his breath. When did that happen? But the question was lost on him as the words slowly sinked in. His boy had hurt himself. He wasn't sure how to process that. He could have grabbed Aleks' shoulders and tried to shake it out of him, but again, there was a double standard here. Besides, that wouldn't work. Unlike the self-awareness that Josh lacked, the other boy had known exactly what he was doing and pointing it out would only be like siding with the therapists. "I never liked that car," he muttered, which could be interpreted in several ways. One, he didn't much care for the owner of the car, or his fucking insurance coverage. Two, if Aleks hadn't snuck out in the car, he wouldn't have driven anything into a wall. So the car was a bad thing, thus it needed to be totaled. And three, he was supporting his boy with his decision, although his features had softened considerably and his eyes were locked with the other pair, almost as if saying: you can't kill me if you're dead, love. And he was pretty sure that Aleksei would be sticking around, at least to make sure he kept his promise, if anything.

Feeling Leks' teeth tugging at his ear, Josh couldn't suppress a giggle from leaving his lips, though the words being spoken into them were far more sensual than ticklish. It was a distraction for the nurse, the one that wouldn't leave him alone, the one that looked like she was going to cover them both in yellow police tape and label this a murder scene with those scandalous looks. Americans were such prudes. The fire was building low in his stomach, while the little bit of color was drained from his face at the thought of what Aleks had done to him when they were allowed free reign. Bringing his hand up to rest gently against the back of his boy's head when their lips met again, his fingers treaded through familiar tresses as Aleks teased him with a combination of pain. Well played. "No," he answered with a soft gasp of approval and a small hiss, his grip tightening a little on Aleks' hair as he grinned. "But it hasn't ever stopped us before, has it, Leks?"

Between his boy's influence and his impulsive smarts, they could probably work an escape route without being overtly obvious. One-on-one was the worst, because there weren't many excuses that you could give and most of them would require being away from Aleks for at least a few minutes. He didn't want that, to risk losing sight of the other male and discovering that he didn't really exist here at all, but... maybe it was a chance he had to take. Silently going through his options, sifting through them as quickly as possible, Josh knew that the odds weren't in their favor. "Think I can sweet talk her while you sneak out? Up 'til I ran into you, they thought I was mute." If only she had an inkling towards the kinds of things he screamed writhing under this boy, she'd know better. "Doesn't have a fuckin' clue, hun." Not about life, death, their conditions, or least of all who they were beyond written diagnoses and words on a page. That was their mistake.

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TAGGED ?! aleks <3.
WORDS ?! one thousand, four fifty eight.
LOCATION ?! the library.
LYRICS ?! girl anachronism - the dresden dolls.
PLAYING ?! not falling - mudvayne.
NOTES ?! ta-da c:
CREDIT ?! RUN, DON'T WALK BETH . of CAUTION!

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[aleksei jonathon jakobs]

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Josh had always been 'good' for Aleks, if you could say that. The only thing that Aleks would disagree with was that he didn't believe there was anything 'wrong' with him in the first place, he was simply different; but then, if you look at his records; his criminal offenses, his suicide attempts, his major self-harm or psychosis episodes, you'd see that these all seem to decrease when he was around Josh. Why? One therapist said it proved he did have a conscience, and he felt guilty if Josh felt bad, but that was absolute bullshit. He didn't feel guilty if Josh was sad, he was angry at whoever made Josh sad. And that was never him, cause, well, he didn't count in these equations. Double standard, and all that. Another therapist had theorised it was because Josh had sort of become an outlet for Aleks. Aleks fucking hated that therapist, to be honest, but if you were to really know why, it was cause they got quite a lot of his shit right. Josh was, in a way, an outlet for Aleks. But you see, that makes it sound like Aleks was using Josh, and really, in his mind, he wasn't. He did use and manipulate people, and he was good at it, but that wasn't what he had with Josh. No, although he did use his boy to vent, it wasn;t like Josh ever really complained. In fact, from what Aleks could perceive from amateur psychology, he actually liked it. It was perhaps the only real, 'give and take' relationship Aleks had. Even his friendship with Cam didn't have that dynamic. Yeah, Cam would do stuff for him, and vice versa (when needed), but then they'd owe each other, and exploit that as much as they could. But with Josh? Aleks couldn't remember a time when Josh had actually properly owed him something. Yeah, okay, to some they might have perceived that differently, but the huge difference was just in the way Aleks acted about it. Because although he'd hate to do it, and he might get insanely angry over it, he would forgive his boy if he had to, or accept him not paying him back for something. And with Aleks? That was practically a miracle.

He stroked a finger along Josh's jawline as he expressed his hatred for the car, smiling softly at the comment. An outsider might have marveled at the different reactions between the pair; perhaps thinking Josh didn't care, or that Aleks was an overprotective bastard. Both had told stories in which they had either intensely hurt themselves, or attempted to kill themselves, and yet whilst Aleks raised his voice and became angry, Josh only uttered a single sentence, sounding unconcerned about his boyfriends well-being. But it really wasn't. At least, not if Aleks knew Josh at all. If Josh had reacted in a way at all similar to himself, Aleks would of simply been pissed off, not seeing the actual point behind the words. When people became angry with Aleks he seemed to only perceive the emotion, not the words as such. Even if someone was saying something he agreed with, if that person had directed anger towards Aleks, he'd still kick off at them. But those five words that his boy had spoken to him made so much more sense to him, told him that his boy was on his side, that he didn't like Aleks' father, that he didn't like what Aleks had done; but he wasn't going to say anything about that. Maybe that's how they avoided most arguments, simply by the fact that even if Josh didn't like something Aleks had did, he didn't usually seem to bring it up, at least not to Aleks himself. It did create this double standard, but the double standard was maybe one of the key things in their relationship. It wouldn't move smoothly without it. He kissed Josh lightly on his cheekbone, acknowledging that he approved of the fact Josh didn't get angry, didn't get annoyed, and had just... Well, reacted how Aleks had needed him to, how he'd wanted him to. Maybe that need and want were the same thing, perhaps.

The soft gasp which tripped past his boy's lips made his stomach curl and twist, made him want to do that again and again, to get his boy beneath him, gasping and moaning, all laid out, so pretty and perfect, and all his. It made him bite and tug at the boys lips again, nails dragging over the edge of his neck, leaving red tracks in their wake (although the marks faded within seconds), trying to pull that reaction back up again, to see if he could make his boy moan, right here right now. With the fucking nurse watching them, the fucking voyeur. Although, to be fair to her, she didn't exactly seem to be enjoying watching, the bitch. His mouth moved to lie against Josh's neck once more, so that his words were a mixture of touches of tongue and tips of teeth against pale skin. "Nah, I don't think anythings ever stopped us." He smiled into Josh's skin as he said that, the memories pleasing him, being some of his only happy ones. Eve at Bluebird they couldn't truly stop them. Yeah, they could stop them from actually having sex, or kissing, but they couldn't quell the emotional and mental connection that the pair had, and they certainly couldn't stop them doing anything once they'd left the blasted place. Then they were able to do pretty much whatever the fuck they liked. And he'd continue doing that till the day he died. "And nothing ever will."

A giggle escaped Aleks' throat when Josh told him that they thought he was mute, but he also nodded more seriously when his boy said he'd distract the nurse. "That might work... But, you know, we have a secret weapon." He grinned, and took his phone out of his pocket with a grin, pressing the number two speed dial, and then waiting as it rang. Who was he calling? Well, the only person who would be able to create enough of a distraction that the only person they'd have to run from would be Josh's one-on-one nurse, and with a bit of distraction, they could probably do that. His voice came out in a whisper as the person on the other end answered the phone, loud enough so that they could hear, but quiet enough that the nurse wouldn't be able to make out what he was saying. "Hey Cam? Yeah... I need you to create a distraction... Nearish the library?... Just get the fucking HCAs out... I don't care if it gets you fucking isolation, I'll pat you back... Yeah, yeah, you have my word, for what it's worth... Josh.... Yes, he's here, now fuck off and create the fucking distraction." He shut the phone with a sigh, bit then a small grin toward Josh. Fuck, he absolutely hated doing that; asking people for shit, and then owing them. It was his idea of a type of hell, where someone else ha the power. And that was just bad. Still, since now they actually had something on their side, he was gonna make this the fucking best. H e leant in a kissed Josh again, softer this time, more of a promise than anything else. "We're gonna make this fucking worth whatever the consequences are gonna be, okay?" He grinned, before giving instructions. "Now, we're gonna have to wait for a bit so that Cam can start whatever the fuck she's gonna do, but then we gotta find a way to distract your nurse to get out of the library without her seeing which way we're going." In all honesty, Aleks' plan was just to start a domino chain of bookshelves, causing enough chaos that they could at least get a head start on the nurse, and lose her quickly. His eyes darted round the room, calculating if h actually had the strength to push over some of the free standing bookshelves, and then if it would actually cause enough chaos. There weren't that many free standing unit, but it might just be enough. Josh's idea could work, but then that meant they were separated for a bit, and Aleks really didn't fucking want that. No goddamn way in hell.

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^{TAG – josh <3
WORDS – bout one thousand four hundred.
NOTES – sorry it;s a bit shit, wrote it in a rush, will improve later if have time.
TUNES – silence.
CREDIT - template by MUNZTAR * of caution 2.0}

[joshua casey preston]

i might join your century,
BUT ONLY ON A RARE OCCASION.

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Even when they were apart, there was one thing that they could always agree on: neither of them had a problem. Aleks could be here, in the middle of nowhere, and Josh could be holed up in his bedroom back in Australia; they were fine. Perfectly fine. Even when he was given a discharge date back in Bluebird, Josh didn't really understand why. Aleksei and Cam said that it would be okay, making a game out of who would be let out on good behavior first, and he followed orders. His parents didn't have too much of a tiff when he came home wearing his boyfriend's gifts, informing them that Aleks would be visiting. They didn't have a problem with the fact that he was in a relationship with a boy... in fact, they thought it was wonderful. They tripped all over themselves and fell headfirst into the whole idea that Josh could be a 'real boy' now, a normal one, and that maybe he was stronger than his mother had been. Maybe that was true, at first. See, Aleks had been more than just a boyfriend; he'd been his best friend, his confidant, and his lover. He confided his deepest, darkest secrets in the other boy without thinking about it twice. Maybe he had picked up on Aleks' arrogance and adapted it as some sort of confidence along the way, knowing that his boy wouldn't turn away. And he didn't. So Aleksei had been equally good for Josh, even if the therapists didn't think so and Freud was probably turning in his fucking grave.

It was very easy to misinterpret Joshua's actions or words, especially what most people considered indifference. Just because he didn't cry during his grandmother's funeral didn't meant that he didn't feel it; it just meant that he had a different way of dealing with it. And even though he didn't make a scene about Aleks' confession, that didn't mean that he didn't care... it actually meant that he really did. It meant that he wasn't going to do the pity party dance, which only angered or shamed people if you faced it often enough because you had to relive it all over again. It meant that he wasn't going to copy Aleks' actions (which were proper and needed) simply to fit in, or stay quiet because he didn't know the right things to say. What it meant was that Josh was willing to show a little bit more of himself to this boy, knowing that it would be enough. So feeling a slender finger along his jawline and a chaste kiss on his cheek made him smile, the curves of his lips lifting from their naturally lopsided position into a more neutral one. Yes, maybe it was also a pushover move, just a little insight into their roles in the relationship. But it was a little more than that too.

Joshua was very well-aware that the nurse was still nearby. You could pretend all you wanted, but that didn't erase anything. It was like when he tried to ignore his hallucinations, often digging his fingernails into his skin or biting his lower lip until it bled in a useless attempt to stay grounded in this reality. The salty, bittersweet taste of his own blood in his mouth usually jolted him back into his skin a little, but more out of arousal than anything else. Blame his masochistic tendencies, I suppose. Another thing that he was sure of? Aleksei was just as wound up as he was. Teeth, nails, and smiles against his skin made him shiver in delight. Even with his faltering self-image and the prying eyes, Josh knew that he was lost. But it was the good kind. Leks' confirmation made him giggle, mostly because he knew that his boy was serious. It wasn't something the lifelong hero in a story said before they got themselves killed after some reckless mistake; they were the memorable words of the villain that managed to make more of an impact with a well thought out plan before he went up in flames. They were the scars, the bruises, the blemishes of existence. Ugly reminders to some that although they were young, they had been through more than most people and because of that, even if they died tomorrow, they were invincible.

The mute charade had been an old habit from Bluebird, although it certainly hadn't lasted as long here. Two weeks didn't really compare to about three consecutive months. Still, the fact that Aleks found it amusing made him grin, although he tilted his head when his boy mentioned a secret weapon. You could never really tell what was going on in a sociopath's mind, so Josh could only guess what he was referring to... you can just imagine his surprise when Cam was mentioned. "Cam?" Josh mouthed silently, before listening to the rest of the conversation. It was highly, highly rare that Aleksei asked someone for a favor, so it made him feel a little elated, while at the same time a little guilty for making him go through the trouble. Though everyone knows that no one makes Aleks do anything. The consequences weren't really weighing in for him, although Josh was aware of them. "I'll give them hell," he said quietly after a pause with a nod, before meeting him halfway for the kiss. Most 'normal' people wouldn't risk half of what they did for each other. He'd risk it all.

Then he fell silent again as his boy took charge, following his gaze carefully around the room. The only large things that could cause enough damage were the bookshelves, without being more bark than bite. "Okay," Josh agreed with a nod, before giving him that 'are you thinking what I'm thinking' kind of look. It was a brief exchange, trying not to look too suspicious. They were fairly lanky, but he knew that they had enough fight in them to give it a good shot. The Brit didn't even want to start thinking about what would happen if their plan fell through, or how they would react if they started seeing red. But being the pessimist that he was, it did cross his mind. Glancing back at the nurse, Joshua noticed her readjusting her glasses on the bridge of her nose, a little too large to simply be reading glasses. The broad must be as blind as a bat. "You know the thing about invisible monsters, love," he whispered distractedly, waving his hand a bit as if he were talking about the weather. "You have to shut your eyes in order to see them." To their audience of one, they probably looked like they were having a nice little conversation. Josh couldn't wait to bump into his nurse and break those judgmental frames.

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TAGGED ?! aleks <3.
WORDS ?! one thousand, one twenty seven.
LOCATION ?! the library.
LYRICS ?! girl anachronism - the dresden dolls.
PLAYING ?! the noisy laptop fan.
NOTES ?! mayhem! also, sorry for the wait.
and aleksei is fuckin' epic, as you know.
CREDIT ?! RUN, DON'T WALK BETH . of CAUTION!

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