MCCORMAC, ryan ashleigh [WIP]

[ryan]

ryan ashleigh mccormac


^{he wears his heart safety pinned to his backpack
♥ his backpack is all that he knows ♥
shot down by strangers whose glances can cripple
♥ the heart and devour the soul ♥}

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - basics
AND I THROW MY HEART BACK TO THE OCEAN

[/b]
ryan ashleigh mccormac
nicknames:
ry, ry-ry, ash, (and then, of course, the obligatory taunts, but we won’t list them here, ey?).
sex:
female-born male.
age:
eighteen.
birthday:
twelfth of february.
grade:
senior.
orientation:
pansexual.
diagnosis: leave blank
problem:
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- - - - - - - - - - - appearance
BUT IT DON'T GO FAR, IT COME BACK FLOATING

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genetically fair brown locks, which are reasonably straight, but constantly dyed to an ink-box-black.
eyes:
constantly shifting, an amalgamation of greens, blues and greys, a stormy dark sea lined with black lashes.
face:
Ryan’s features are finely boned, pale skin stretching over a delicate skeleton of cheekbones and jawbones, quick to burn red if he deigns to stay in the sun for too long, his British heritage shining out. Blackened hair falls over his right eye when he lets it grow long enough, curling around the lines of his neck, or cropped slightly shorter it stays pin straight, messed around with hair product, producing a beautiful monochrome contrast with his pale skin, the combination embellished with grey-blue-green eyes, constantly lined with black kohl liner, and occasionally a touch of eyeshadow. Pale pink lips are often bitten to red, as is wont his habit, pierced by a simple ball-closure ring in the middle of his bottom lip, found tugged between his teeth on regular occasions, or pushed to each side, with a rolled cigarette tucked between his lips.
body:
At five foot and nine and a half inches, and which a weight fluctuating between one-hundred-and-twelve and a measly eighty-nine pounds, Ryan is persistently underweight, caused by his constant binge and purging and restrictive eating behaviours, as well as a riguourous exercise scheme he tries to stick to as religiously as possible. Naturally, he is relatively average in weight and build, with a sharp bones structure; and his disordered eating only makes these angles sharper, taking away from all traces of feminine curves some would strive to find. His skin is unmarked by acne or natural scarring, but the white lines, crevices and burned skin which cover his arms, legs, ankles and more are all purely man-made, caused by Ryan’s own hand, carving into his flesh, burning it to a crisp or bruising it blooming roses of blue and purple. Laying over the shadow of self destruction, a black ink etching of Jack, from The Nighmare Before Christmas, has been painted into his arm, a present from his father on Ryan’s eighteenth birthday, and attempt at hiding the wreckage of the past and present.
fashion:
Dressed primarily in monochrome, Ryan unwillingly joins a common cliché or today’s youth, hair dyed and straightened, ears pierced, scarred and smoking. Of course, this is not the only style he defers to, but it is more and more commonly becoming his primary vogue, but he still retains some of his previous style, a flair full of hypermasculinity as he tried to pass, a constant paranoia of someone noticing something, someone pointing out how he was ‘different’. However, since he turned eighteen, and started hormone therapy, he started to become more confident in his own body, causing him to start leaning more toward a more gender-neutral style, slightly more androgynous, with skinny jeans, fitted tops and more jewelry. His clothing often reflects how he’s feeling, for when down he can never be bothered to make an effort, simply depressing in whatever he finds at the end of the bed, be it jeans and a hoodie, or an old t-shirt and sweatpants. However, when’s he’s higher, with more energy, he delights in dressing up, doing his eyes up, accessorizing to the max. It’s then at which he really embracing androgyny and genderfuckery, his added confidence letting him to do so without paranoia.
playby:
BellZ
overall:
In looks, Ryan can be catergorised into that all embracing genre of ‘alternative’. Although his style dips and changes, he’s ever been exactly ‘normal’ in his looks. He started dying his hair as soon as his parents allowed it, at the age of fourteen, even when his style was more masculine and less personalized. He’s now a great believer in letting your style reflect your personality, knowing how much first appearances can affect a persons view of you, even though in the past he tried to hide behind clothes, trying to fit in with the ‘average’ teenage male style. Maybe it’s partially because that ‘average’ has now broadened, more adolescents conforming to a more androgynous look, or maybe it’s because his transition is further along, who can tell. Whatever it is, his style is far more personal than it was four years ago, and seems to exude more confidence, even if it is faked (although you could never tell until you got to know him better).
However, even with faked confidence, he’s still trying to hide parts of himself, through long sleeves and that one tattoo, hiding the most vulnerable part of himself through layers of cloth and cotton. He’s very self-conscious about his scars, and although when around close friends he might roll up his sleeves, he would never deign to do so around new people, and is constantly afraid that even if they don’t judge him because of his gender variance, they’ll judge him because of his self-harm. Even with the rising prevalence and knowledge of self-harm and mental health, he still knows the stereotypes that revolve around people who cut and burn, the words ‘emo’ and ‘attention-seeker’ like nails on a chalkboard to his ears, and Ryan is constantly trying to avoid those names, hating the compartments they put him in. Even his weight loss, although very noticeable, he tries to pass off as simply a high metabolism, and his excess exercise, eating his only meals when around others, passing off gaunt cheeks as simple genetics.
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- - - - - - - - - - - personality
AND I WATCH IT WASH UP WITH THE DEAD FISH

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music, writing, knowledge, london, friends, acceptance, qyn (his queer youth group), his parents, ‘safe’ overdoses.
dislikes:
prejudice, verbal abuse, social ‘norms’, gender ‘norms’, the idea that self-harm is ‘attention-seeking’, wannabe ‘rude-bois’, most private school kids.
strengths:
outwardly confident, creative, controlling, sarcastic, intelligent.
weaknesses:
volatile, self-destructive, inwardly shy and submissive, dependant, low self-esteem, his depression and his mania.
secrets:
× his self-harm and self-destructive tendencies, including everything from his disordered eating to his taking of drugs to try and knock himself out of reality.
× his submissive side, because it makes him vulnerable; so he outwardly tries to be very controlling and dominant.
× the fact that is confidence is completely fake, that all his egotistical jokes are completely fabricated.
× the fact his biological sex is female, and that he’s on hormone blockers and undertaking hormone therapy.
× he’s still a virgin, having only made out with people, but is very submissive and quite kinky, even if he only knows from instinct and his taste in porn.
worst memory:
His first full blown bout of depression, when he was about thirteen. He had experienced extreme ups and downs, but previously always let his bad feelings out on the world, becoming slightly violent and kicking off. However, now being in secondary school, he wasn’t able to just throw multiple ‘tantrums’, and instead had to bottle it up, until it turned toxic and began to creep into his system, penetrating everything. He spent nearly six months severely depressed, and this is what kick-started many of his destructive tendencies, although his disordered eating had already existed (trying to get rid of all things feminine about himself), and would of continued if he had not been then put on anti-depressants, and the medication had swung him into an episode of mania, which although not the best for the rest of the world, as it was a euphoric episode of mania, not a irritated one, he far preferred it to the deep lows that came with his depression.
best memory:
His parent’s civil partnership when he was ten. It had happened a year or two after Ryan had changed primary schools, thus avoiding all those who had known him as female, and so most of the bullying had stopped, so he had been relatively happy anyway. A large proportion of the people at the ceremony had either been queer themselves, or very acceptant, and no one had even quirked an eyebrow when he introduced himself, even those who hadn’t seen him since he was born as a girl. One of the guests also recommended a secondary school for Ryan to his fathers, and thus from that one incident he managed to avoid being bullied in secondary school because of occasionally not passing, although he still managed to be excluded for other reasons.
desires:
× to complete his gender transition, and have gender reassignment surgery.
× to find someone who he can have a relationship with, who doesn’t judge him, understands him, and also is completely fine with his kinks and fetishes.
× to get his writing published, and be able to make a living through the proceeds.
pet peeves:
× when pens leak ink when he’s chewing on the ends of them.
× people who think ‘gender’ and ‘sex’ are the same thing.
× the music in the charts; so pop music, really.
overall:
Ryan’s actual personality is very different to the one he shows to the world, but his façade is very strong, for years of practice of pretence have not been put to waste. Outwardly, the boy is extremely confident and quite dominant, not being afraid to say what he thinks and tell people to fuck off if he wants to. It’s got him a long way, since with that attitude he can avoid those who bully the weak, for they mistake him for being one of the strong, which in reality he really isn’t. In reality? In reality, behind the mask, Ryan is extremely shy, scared of letting people know him for the fear they’d reject him. He constantly hides behind his faux personality and confidence, believing it’s the only way people will ever like him and accept him. He even hides himself from people who have similar problems with self harm or disordered eating, since he believes that his ‘isn’t really real’, since he’s not ‘really depressed’, according to himself, since he also experiences mania. He’s never actually been diagnosed as Bipolar either, and thinks he ‘isn’t bad enough’ to be diagnosed with a ‘real’ mental illness. He doesn’t really have a grasp on the fact that he actually has problems, and this almost makes it worse, cause he thinks badly of himself simply for the fact that he is self-destructive, that he doesn’t deserve it, that his life has been relatively fine, that he’s simply weak and a coward.
But the truth is, Ryan does really have some majors problems, he just won’t face that he does. He’s got atrociously low self esteem, which some would say partially stems from his gender dysphoria; he believes he’s too fat, too curvy, too feminine, not pretty, his nose is too big, his eyes are disgusting, his hair is shit, his skin is disgusting, he’s too short, his bones are weird, his hips are too wide and too curvy – you name a body part, and Ryan will most likely have a problem with it. But he doesn’t see that as an issue, he sees it as simple fact. It’s not a mental health issue if it’s true, you see. And so what if that opinion on himself changes dramatically, as does his mood, every now and again for a number of months? That’s just… Change. It couldn’t be a mood disorder. It couldn’t actually be a ‘real’ problem, he’s just weird, and worthless, fucked up, useless, amazing, the best, and everything revolves around him.
As well as all of this, in contrast to his façade again, in which Ryan is extremely dominant, taking control of situations, often trying to lead others, he’s actually extremely submissive when you get down to it, or with the right people, and especially sexually. It’s actually seen a lot in people who turn out to be submissive; that they seem the dominant ones in everyday life, but behind doors they’re actually vastly different. It’s maybe this reason why Ryan is still a virgin, since he’s had enough friends who are fine with him being trans, and who are fucking other trans people, and yet he still managed to get to the actual act of sex. In fact, most of those friends were fine with people being kinky, but I guess it’s something about the double standard Ryan holds for himself against others. It’s fine for others to be like that, but if it’s him? No fucking way in hell, it then becomes weird, perverted, strange, and not at all right.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - history
BUT IT AIN'T QUITE DEAD, IT JUST IS LIKE THIS

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marcus james mccormac – creative director - forty-seven – biological father.
zacharias devon mccormac – teacher – forty-six – adoptive father .
siblings:
n/a.
other relatives:
elise rowan banks – forty-two – biological mother.
history:
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - player
OH MY HEART, IT'S A HOUSE IN TORNADO

[/b]
lexxi.
your age:
seventeen.
time zone:
greenwich mean time.
other characters:
aleksei jonathon jakobs.
rp sample:
see american {PSCHO} or another meeting.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - credit
OH MY HEART, IT'S A HOUSE IN THE SKY IN THE EYE OF TORNADO

[/URL] at CAUTION 2.0
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